VII: Cauliflower

Let's roast some cauliflower.

VII: Cauliflower
Heads of scalded cauliflower. Photo by Eric Prouzet / Unsplash

Good morning. Today is septidi, the 7th of Frimaire, Year CCXXXI. We acknowledge le chou-fleur, a cruciform vegetable that some people like.

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Cauliflower is a common substitute for other foods. It's versatile enough to create simulacra of mashed potatoes, pizza crust, rice, or pumpkin pie filling. The vegetable's lack of a distinctive taste means it can be imbued with any seasoning to approximate what the chef desires. This has created a craze for those looking to enjoy old favorites while maintaining gluten-free or vegan diets.

I hate cauliflower. I hate it more than any other item on the whole calendar, by a factor of ten. I've been dreading this day. I've been trying for weeks to talk myself into researching cauliflower to find interesting or good things to say about it. "I owe the subscribers," I tell myself while holding my nose. I research. Everything I learn about cauliflower makes me hate it more. If I could eliminate one animal, vegetable, and mineral from the planet, cauliflower would be my vegetable, and I'd have no remorse about it. (Mosquitoes and asbestos are the other two, if you care, but I'd spare both to ensure the evaporation of cauliflower.)

My fiancée informs me that the best way to enjoy cauliflower is to roast it. Okay, let's go, let's roast it.

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